Experts Advice About Getting A Divorce

Is It Difficult To Get A Divorce? – Expert’s Advice {2023}

Question: Is It Difficult To Get A Divorce? – What is the Expert’s Advice. Considering Divorce: When in marriage you experience a lot of suffering, discomfort, and little satisfaction for years, attempts to improve relations lead only to temporary changes, then thoughts of divorce come. But nevertheless, it is difficult to change your life and leave your husband, even if he drinks, beats, does not respect, or cheats. There are several reasons for this.

Is It Difficult To Get A Divorce

Should I Get A Divorce? – Divorce Decision Tree

Firstly, you are used to living this way and you don’t know how to do it differently, you don’t know-how. You are afraid of the unknown.

Secondly, you are kept by memories of the past: romantic meetings, declarations of love in the first years of life, warm and tender relationships, dreams of the future. But now you are living with these memories, they warm you up and give you hope that you can still improve. But you no longer love your husband, but these memories. And these are completely different things.

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Thirdly, your brain, your thinking is used to living in this way, the brain does not want to change, because it will be painful, thereby it protects you. All changes and work on oneself are always painful, because this is a way out of one’s comfort zone, even if the comfort zone is beatings and humiliation (each has its own comfort zone). Again, this is how to live as usual, and what will instead be unknown, and the unknown is always terrible.

How To Reduce The Psychological Toll Of Divorce

Fourth, you have a belief from childhood: relationships should be like this. Consciously you understand that you can live differently more happily and that such a situation is not normal, but subconsciously your psyche has learned that this is exactly what you need.

Most likely, you had a similar example in childhood (the relationship of your parents, for example, or your mother often criticized you, said that you were ugly, crooked, that no one would pay attention, etc.). Either low self-esteem, confidence (conviction) that you are unworthy of a better man, a better attitude towards yourself has been formed. And this is also formed in childhood. Maybe they did not receive attention, love, support, recognition, and praise from their parents, there was criticism from them, etc., and your psyche has learned that you yourself are not up to the woman who can be loved and respected.

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When Is Divorce The Best Option?

I described the most common reasons that women live for years with men who beat them, drink, do not respect, or just live without love, like neighbors. These beliefs are in your head, you can and should work with them.

Experts Advice About Getting A Divorce

Should I Get A Divorce Checklist

First of all, you need to understand your reasons, analyze the relationship with your parents and your childhood. I’m sure you will find many answers. Only by realizing the reasons, you can change yourself and your life.

As I wrote above, these are your beliefs and attitude towards yourself. Yes, this is how you treat yourself: after all, you allow such an attitude towards yourself, and if you allow, then your husband only shows you your own attitude towards yourself. With another woman, he will not do this (or he will not enter into a relationship with her, because he will understand that he does not reach her, and the woman herself will choose a more worthy man).

I described the base, without work on which nothing can be changed. Childhood, relationships with parents are our support for life, our foundation on which everything is built. Your foundation has already been built, but an adult can change it, it is not easy and not fast, but possible. And you are now building the same foundation for your children: you pass on your experience, an example of marital relations, and corresponding attitudes to them. Often, women voice one of the main reasons for the indecision to leave their husbands – these are children.

You can often hear: “He is a wonderful father, children love him, I do not want to deprive them of their father.” But if he is a wonderful father and loves his children, he will regularly communicate with them, spend time, provide financial, support in difficult situations, etc.

Your task is not to inspire children with your attitude towards their father: if for you he was a bad husband and a man, this is only your opinion about him, and children should have their own attitude towards their father, not imposed by their mother.

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It is important to understand: only husband and wife can divorce, but not children and parents. This man will cease to be your husband, but he will not cease to be the father of your common children.

And this must be explained to the children: they will not lose their father (only if he himself does not want it). The children will have their father and mother, but they will no longer quarrel, beat each other, shout, insult, etc. in front of the children.

Unfortunately, it happens that, as a teenager, a child never even saw his father or does not remember him anymore, or he just rarely sees him, but he has a very categorical opinion about him that he is a scoundrel, a scoundrel, etc. But having understood the situation, it turns out that he was a scoundrel for the child’s mother, who hindered their communication and did not allow the child to independently form his attitude towards his father.

Even if the man himself decided not to keep in touch with the child after the divorce, then this should be exclusively his own decision for any reason, without your intervention. In this case, you need to explain to the child that he (the child) is not to blame for this, it is not him. Because children often blame themselves and this affects their self-esteem.

Another reason that it is difficult to leave an abusive husband is that you have been in a relationship with a man in a dad-daughter format for a long time: the man solved your problems, provided. You shifted part of the responsibility for your life onto him, and it was so convenient for you. They allowed themselves to be controlled.

At first, this control did not bother you very much, since there were more advantages in the relationship. But over time, the husband became harsher and harsher, criticizing, controlling, terrorizing. Well, in general, a hundred more and more to go into the role of a dad for a daughter, that is, for you.

A man sometimes, of course, likes to feel like a father for his woman: stronger, smarter, taller, better, etc. But still, he is a husband, and he wants to see a woman next to him, equal to himself, and not a little girl who has shifted responsibility onto him. So he rages more and more. And you are suffering more and more. The relationship has lost stability.

A man either declares his love or wants to leave, you hesitate. You have long been accustomed to living with male support. It is anxious and unusual for you to be left without support. Again, you are used to living this way, without him you will have to completely take responsibility for yourself.

Conclusion

To make it easier to decide whether to divorce, write down the pros and cons of staying with your husband and if you divorce. Analyze your losses if you leave your husband (financial, material, emotional, etc.) and vice versa gains. Write down your further goals. Determine how you want to live in perspective, what to strive for. Turn these goals into concrete action plans. Try to fully focus your attention on your needs. Fill all your free time with your own personal affairs.

In addition, find some new hobby for yourself that can completely capture your attention. I will add that reasons such as fear of judging other people, parents, relatives are a way to cover up the inability to take responsibility for your life and for making decisions on your own. This speaks of your immaturity and confirms that the reason lies in your childhood. Therefore, I suggest that you work in parallel with the reasons for your low self-esteem and accept responsibility for the current situation.

  • Author: Teslenko Natalya Nikolaevna
  • City: Votkinsk
  • Qualification: Psychologist, Child Psychologist, Art Therapist