Disagreements and quarrels are one of the sides of any relationship. Relatives, friends, partners, and colleagues can violate our boundaries, their actions can offend or hurt us, and we ourselves are capable of the same. And sometimes quarrels break out in a seemingly empty place – when we are under a lot of stress, fatigue, and irritability. And now the quarrel flared up, they uttered harsh words to each other, and it is no longer possible to make peace, as in childhood on the little fingers. How to be then?
Why is important peace after a fight?
Any quarrel causes a lot of negative emotions. We often continue to mentally scroll through it again and again, living through the negative over and over again, losing our mood, strength, and efficiency. The protracted state of “quarreled, but not reconciled” harms not only our general condition but also relationships in general. Therefore, when irritation, anger, and resentment give way to calmness and a desire to make peace, it is important to find a time and place to do this.
If the quarrel happened with someone with whom it is important to maintain a warm, trusting relationship, simple reconciliation is not enough. In order to maintain a relationship and not leave a residue, you should talk frankly and calmly with each other, analyze the situation and think about what really provoked it.
Give Each Other Space
After any quarrel, it is worth taking a break. Give yourself and the other time for strong emotions to subside and the ability to reason, analyze and look at the situation from different angles (and not just from the position of “I was offended”) returned. Yes, no one likes a tense situation, but trying to find out who is right and who is wrong immediately after a quarrel will almost certainly lead to a new round of resentment and misunderstanding.
If you live under the same roof with someone with whom you had a big fight, you can go away for a day or two to a friend or mother. You should not turn into an immature teenager and defiantly disappear without explanation, say or write a message that you will leave for a while to cool off.
Don’t confuse pause with ignore! Ignoring each other after a fight in the hope that one of you will take the blame for the conflict and be the first to apologize is a failed strategy. Take a break, but don’t prolong the conflict either. If each of you is stuck in silence, resentment and negative emotions will build up on top of those that have already arisen during the quarrel. Therefore, as soon as both cool down, start a dialogue – save time for more pleasant moments with each other.
How to start a conversation after a fight
Reconciliation is possible when you decide that relationships are more important than resentment. How to build a conversation after a quarrel, what to consider, and what key points to conduct?
1. Listen to Each Other
Yes, yes, the very ones when you talk about your desires or feelings without attacking the other. For example, instead of “You’re always late, how long can I wait for you?” say: “It annoys me when people are late. I’m very busy and I hate to waste time waiting.”
When a partner addresses you with a similar message, you can listen to him and mirror: “I understand that you were angry with my lateness. You wouldn’t want to waste your time waiting” – this is how you show that you really heard what the other person had in mind. He understands that he was heard and, it seems, understood. He no longer needs to scream about his pain, and at this point, constructive dialogue can begin.
2. Find a Compromise
Discussing the situation and understanding the real reason for the quarrel, think together about what kind of compromise you can come up with, taking into account the needs and desires of each of you.
3. Forgive Each Other
Do not leave discussion of important topics to phone calls and messages if there is at least some opportunity to meet and talk face to face! Make peace live. And, if you have decided to forgive the offense and make peace, this means that the quarrel must be left in the past. If this fails, you often return to the conflict mentally or mention it during other disagreements, and conversations with another participant in the quarrel look like a vicious circle, you should contact a helping practitioner (psychologist, mediator, psychotherapist) in order to better understand the situation and close it for yourself.
Disagreements and quarrels are one of the sides of any relationship, and the ability to go through conflicts largely determines their quality and longevity. It’s not scary to quarrel, it’s scary when resentment like a worm remains to gnaw at you from the inside. Don’t give her a chance! I hope the recommendations above will help you with this.